Fiction tip Friday: Di-uh-logical Um-brage.

Dear Writers:

Here's a tip for you: Dialogue is not like speech.

Speech, what we humans emit, is replete with well, you knows, yeahs, yups, ums. uhs, ohs, ha's, huhs and even ayuhs.

Though it's good to try to replicate speech--to some extent--in your dialogue, never forget that the main purpose of the conversations your characters have is to tell your story in a dynamic, cohesive way. Adding those touches of realism--as true as they may be to your characters' speech patterns and dialect--often make your prose static and slow down the pacing. In fact, I have a name for them (which is probably incorrect but works): interrupters.

When might you want to use an interrupter?

When you need to show (show!) a hesitation in your character's decision-making process, or shock, or surprise, then by all means, put an interrupter in their speech. For example:

"I was confused," Kathy told her boss. "I was--oh, I don't know...lost." Here (in my crappy example), I've created a character who needs to pause and find the right word. So I show her. Pausing. That works, and as an editor, I wouldn't pull out the red pen for that.

If I see something like this, however, you can be sure I'll be cranky all over it:

Melvin was terrified. The dog was lose, and it was heading straight for him. It was going to clamp its jaws down upon his leg and sever his arteries. "Look out," he screamed. "That's a pit bull, and it's dangerous!"

Kelly barely gave the dog a second glance. "That's not a pit bull, Melvin. It's a Pomeranian. It might nip you, but it's hardly dangerous."

"Oh. Okay." He started walking again.

The problem with this? It's a waste of dialogue. What happens between the time Melvin realizes his fears are unfounded and--in fact--he's made an ass out of himself? Better to put some internal dialogue in here and have Melvin make a realization. You can keep the di-uh-logue, if you must:

Melvin was terrified. The dog was lose, and it was heading straight for him. It was going to clamp its jaws down upon his leg and sever his arteries. "Look out," he screamed. "That's a pit bull, and it's dangerous!"

Kelly barely gave the dog a second glance. "That's not a pit bull, Melvin. It's a Pomeranian. It might nip you, but it's hardly dangerous."

The dog bounced across the lawn like a tennis ball. It grabbed one of his shoelaces and tugged, growling deep in its throat. It sounded exactly like an electric razor.

Melvin lifted his foot and shook the dog off, his face growing hot as he noticed Kelly's look of disgust. "Oh. Okay." Would he ever not look like a fool in front of her? He started walking again before the dog did something else, like pee on his leg.

Okay, maybe not much better, but certainly the reader knows more about Melvin in this example. If I were editing this, I would tell the writer: Delete "Oh.Okay." It's superfluous and the line reads fine without it.

I sometimes think writers feel they must put something there, but they're not sure what. Instead of using all the tools in their toolbox, they try to make the tools they're most comfortable with, work. Dialogue is something we all use a lot, so--why not? But what can I have my character say, after something like this? "Oh, okay" is the only thing I can think of.... I guess that works.

The next time you find yourself inserting an interrupter into your dialogue, STOP. Ask yourself:

1) What is the purpose of this scene?
2) What is my character's conflict?
3) What is his motivation?
4) What is he really trying to say/think?
5) What else can he say that will make the scene more dynamic?

And then, let me know how you make out. Does your pacing change? Does the scene work better? I'm almost sure it will. ;)