I don't wanna be Joker!

Like most boys his age, my four-year-old is obsessed with Batman. Of course, this is my fault, because I introduced him to the super-hero to begin with. True, the Imaginext Batman guys are cool, but it doesn't mean I want to play with them.

Damn you, Santa, for bringing the Batcave and every villain you could find into our home.

I spend my days trying to write, trying to edit...and trying to muster enthusiasm for yet another Bat adventure...in fact, as I write, Batman is trying to rescue Robin, who is trapped in the cardboard tube of a roll of toilet paper. (And there are long pieces of tissue strewn all over the living room...) Is it any wonder I don't get anything accomplished?

Even more frustrating than watching my days disappear in a haze of chatter and crime fighting is knowing how brief this time will be; it seems interminable, but really lasts only a moment in my little guy's life. Focus, Mommy. As much as I don't feel like being Joker (or Penguin or Two-Face or Riddler or...) there's no one else I should rather be.

Holy Blink of an Eye, Batman!

His eyes did what?

Dear Writer:

I'm pleading with you. You've got to stop allowing your character's eyes to do their own thing. It was amusing at first, but now it's practically an ocular revolution. Please, make it stop!

Eyes should not do the following: sweep, meet, fall, touch (other eyes or anything else), cut, drop or especially--land. Once you've said, "Her eyes landed on the pasta," you've literally launched her orbs from their sockets and plopped them, quivering and staring, onto the table. Bon appetit!

Eww.

Or--His eyes followed her from the room. Think about this for a moment. Can you see them? Eyeballs...like puppies? Barking and scrambling for her attention, his eyes rolled around her feet...

Instead, I'd like to suggest you allow your characters to perform the actions and use variations of the following verbs: look, gaze, glance (at), stare, observe, consider, identify, study, watch, glance, glimpse, peer (at), note, notice, observe, scan, scrutinize, survey...the list goes on. Get a thesaurus and use it.

If I have to read one more sentence like this: His eyes lifted to her face and hers dropped to his lips, I'm warning you, dear author. My eyes are going to roll and sail directly to your face; they'll land on you with a persistent stare and they will follow you where-ever you go. Like...Rottweilers.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Your Editor

2011

The usual topic of blogs today must be goals for the upcoming year. I'm not going to be any different. Ready? Here are my goals:

1) Blog, everyday.

2) Pay off my debts.

That's it. Should be do-able. I hope.

What are your goals? Anything outrageous or unusual?

And now...I'm off to make some buttermilk biscuits. Did you know that buttermilk is butter-free? It's just soured milk, and you can make it with vinegar!

Bon appetit. ;)

Writer Stuff Wednesday: About love scenes...

First, a disclaimer: I am not the be-all end-all authority about writing love scenes. That being said, I've written and edited a lot of them. So I've seen a lot.

One thing I've seen too much, especially from newer writers, is what I call (not uniquely) the "insert part B into slot A phenomenon". The author dutifully describes the act of having sex. He does this, she does that, this goes here and that happens. The words are different than that, of course, but the reader has the same reaction in every case: Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Zzzzzz is not good. Your reader starts to lose interest. They begin to skim. They put the book down. They wander away. You've lost them. Not what you intended to do when you began writing the scene, or the story. Why? Because you've failed to make an emotional connection with your reader.


Your primary goal as a writer is to make an emotional connection with the reader. 

An emotional connection is the key. That's what keeps them involved in your story, keeps them reading--and makes them want to buy your next book. (Okay...so maybe that's your primary goal, but it sounds so--ugh--materialistic. We write for writing's sake, right? Of course.)

Well, that's fine, you say. But how? 

Get in touch with your character and your reader will be involved. 


Add some emotion and physical reactions, but avoid using adjectives and adverbs. Oops. This is the kind of directive that will have you running to your writer buddies saying , "WTF?" Okay…let me see if I can explain it better…say your hero caresses the heroine's soft breast. That's only a surface description. (Insert hand A over part B.) You have to go deeper. What does his touch DO to her? Does her breast heat/tingle/insert reaction of your choice here? What does his touch do to her EMOTIONS? Does she love it? Hate it?

Of course, you don't have to go deep into your character's psyche and experience with every caress, but you have to build some layers.

Layer that scene like a lasagna!

Every love scene needs layers. You want to think of the Body/the Head/the Heart. (Physical/Mental/Emotional). Otherwise, you'll end up with a flat scene that reads like an instruction manual. And that's what I see, too often. The new writer stays at the surface of the action without adding those crucial layers that make a reader a part of it. Because by giving your reader those pieces, she (or he) will be able to put themselves in your characters' places. The connection is made.

Now, get to work. :)

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A doggy Christmas surprise - Karácsonyi kutyás meglepetés

Tom's Twelve Days of Christmas

Many thanks to my ten-year-old for today's post. It was a homework assignment; personally, I'd give the kid an "A"--especially because all the animals and some of the incidents mentioned in his rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas are all from real life. (Um...well...yeah.)

Here are the original "twelve" in the Christmas carol:

Day one: Partridge in a pear tree
Day two: two turtledoves
Day three: three French hens
Day four: four calling birds
Day five: five golden rings
Day six: six geese a-laying
Day seven: seven swans a-swimming
Day eight: eight maids a milking
Day nine: nine ladies dancing
Day ten: ten lords a-leaping
Day eleven: eleven pipers piping
Day twelve: twelve drummers drumming

Tom's Version:

On the first day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me a squirrel in a pine tree.
On the second day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me two dead mice.
On the third day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me three guinea hens.
On the fourth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me four dying birds.
On the fifth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me FIVE GOLDEN POOPS!
On the sixth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me six running mailmen.  
On the seventh day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me seven neighbors complaining.
On the eighth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me eight angry dog catchers.
On the ninth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me nine days of quarantine.
On the tenth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me ten barks of joy.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me eleven tails a-wagging.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my two dogs gave to me twelve licks of love.

Merry Christmas--we're counting down the days!

Oh, and speaking of merry--


Naughty Can Be Nice received four flaming hearts from Everybody Needs a Little Romance!